El Ano 2003 In Review
Bush, bonds and birds line up for target practice
El Profe Loco
BUSH. Emperor G. W. Bush (aka as ?Bush Lite: Fewer Brain Cells, More Mouth?) officially declared California as a Federal disaster area. This paved the way for Federal funding to revamp California's troubled economy. Bush announced: ?Today, under mah excavative...uh, evacuative.....uh, give me a moment, it's on the tip of mah tongue....make that EXCRETIVE order to provide California foreign aid, to he'p 'em out. Our crack team from Iraq, led by the U.S. Marine Corps and Halliburton Corp., will depart for Sacramento as soon as they can get the lights turned on in Baghdad.?
Published on LatinoLA: January 21, 2004
LOCAL BONDS AND INITIATIVES. As usual we are being asked to vote yes on proposition no and support mysterious projects with nebulous price tags. Since it is not possible to understand these local issues clearly, we recommend that you lightly sprinkle holy water on your ballot and only vote for the ones that get wet. We also ask that you join the write-in campaign for Prop X, the ballot initiative to join the INS, IRS, and Border Patrol into one agency and then immediately cut off their funding. Of course, the Border Patrol will have to turn in their weapons prior to losing their paychecks to prevent any (more) retaliation from them. All Latinos in the Border Patrol will be rounded up in Gila Bend, AZ in the month of August and forced to march naked and barefoot to Sonora, Mexico while singing ?Volver?. Gringo Border Patrol agents will be dipped in te de canela, dye their hair black and be forced to run through the Texas Rangers (not the ball club) pistol shooting range while chanting ?Chinga Tejas?. Any survivors will be deported to Iraq.
WASHINGTON DC. Senate Majority Leader, Trent Lott (son of M.T. Lott and his wife Thanksa) distributed the new GOP manifesto: ?Lott?s More Means Less For You!?
DEA DISCOVERS DRUG TUNNEL. The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA, ?Las Narcochotas?) recently announced the discovery of a tunnel from Tijuana, Mexico to Los Angeles, California. The tunnel is 8 feet wide, 10 feet high and 150 miles long. It is air conditioned, lighted and has a narrow-gauge railroad to transport freight and passengers. The tunnel walls are lined with Mexican ceramic tile with many colorful mosaic murals of native plant life ? cactus, palm trees, hemp, poppy flowers, etc. It has piped-in stereophonic recorded music by Los Tigres del Norte playing a variety popular of narcocorridos. There are taco stands every 750 feet and menudo is served on weekends. The DEA spokesman, Meamo Mordida, stated: ?The DEA has had the tunnel under close surveillance since shortly after construction first began.? Mr. Mordida, poolside at his luxury estate in Beverly Hills, California, denied accusations that the DEA had been paid large sums of ?hush money? and bribes from the Mexican drug cartels. His ?house guest?, Mr. Ramon Arellano-Felix Jr., also denied the charges and denounced them as part of a long-term media campaign to impugn and smear his family and his hometown of Mazatl?n ? his family recently purchased Mazatl?n and most of the state of Sinaloa, Mexico.
A BIRD IN THE HAND. The GOP has formed their committee for the reelection of President George Bush (that is, to reelect George Hebert Walker Bush, the father - NOT Dubya the idiot child). Since traditional Republican funding sources such as large corporations, wealthy donors and white supremacists are now legally restricted to donating less that the cost of a bean burrito, the GOP (the Gringo Only Party) is desperate to find new funding sources. At a recent convention of the National Association of Latino Government Administrators (NALGA), the Bush forces unveiled their new government sector campaign: Public Employee?s National Drive to Elect Jorge Otravez (PENDEJO). At the convention literally dozens of Latino public employees chanted loudly in unison, ?Go, Go PENDEJO!? and they also voiced a rousing ?We Want NALGA, Dame NALGA!? The GOP also announced a new barrio fund raising campaign for Bush entitled ?Dale Lana Al Lelo?. The Tejano Cowboy Solteros Association announced the formation of their Bush Whackers Bachelors group to ??lend a helping hand for Bush?. The Verde Environmental Restoration and Growth Association (YOU figure out the acronym, tonto!) announced the adoption of their new election campaign slogan: ?Save A Tree, Eat A Bush!?
POST-911. The White House today announced further Homeland Defense measures. All Muslims, Arabs and non-citizens with black hair and brown eyes will be sent to Arizona to new desert internment camps run by Sheriff Joe (you know, the one that makes prisoners wear pink underwear while living outdoors and eating only the desert plants they are able to forage). By Executive Order, the Bill of Rights has been amended to ?it?s original intent of applying only to free white adult males?. The administration?s good-neighbor policy with Mexico, ?Operation Gatekeeper?, will be expanded to all U.S. international borders. The newly launched cabinet-level Department of War, Homeland, Immigration, Terrorism and Enforcement (The WHITE Dept.) will employ thousands of new ?Greeter-Ambassadors? at U.S. borders; they will be armed with laser-sight automatic weapons, anthrax and tactical nuclear devices. President Bush was recently seen practice marching in the White House Rose Garden resplendent in his new gold-trimmed white Emperor?s uniform, plumed hat and baby-blue cowboy boots while sporting a Stinger shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missile launcher ? he was overheard muttering ?Bang! Bang! Y?all is one dead Ay-rab, Bin Laden. Don?t Mess With Texas!
SACRAMENTO. Gov. Gray Davis (everything is a gray area to this dude!) promised to get a suntan so that he would no longer resemble a pale version of TV?s Mr. Rogers with bleached hair. Meanwhile his Lt. Gov., Cruz Bustamante, announced the release of his new CD: ?Cruisin? With Cruz? with the smash rap hit, ?I?m Da L-T-G-O-V, Not Just A Wannabee?. Mrs. Bustamante told reporters that her husband is now on a strict diet of tamales, chicharrones and ?chelas de bironga? (reporters were unable to translate this last item on the diet menu ? some thought it may be some sort of nouvelle beaner delicacy like ?Enchiritos? or jalape?o flavored toothpaste).
El Profe Loco:
El Profe Loco is a Califas Chicano and has written extensively on local, regional, and national Chicano and Raza issues. He may be reached via email at: email@example.com