Chicano Rating System

Values and opinions based on a Raza value system...y qu

By El Profe Loco
Published on LatinoLA: May 19, 2004

Chicano Rating System

There are many ratings of value and opinion based on number of stars, thumbs-up, onions, orchids, etc. La Raza now has our very own Profe?s Sistema de Medidas y Valores:

TRUTH & VERACITY: The unit of measure here is the PURO-PEDO - not those inadvertent silent little tweeters, but rather those frijol-chicharron-chile-cebolla-ajo mega-honkers. One PURO-PEDO (= 1.0 PPdo) is equal to the ultimate gastric disaster, which can gag entire auditoriums or stadiums; it is also the extreme prevarication having absolutely no truthful content whatsoever. By contrast, a milli-PURO-PEDO (1.0 mPPdo = 0.001 PPdo) is just an indiscreet ?little white lie? like ?the dog ate my homework? or ?ay voy a la casa?. Politicians, philanderers, salespeople, lawyers, addicts, etc. stack out somewhere above 500 mPPdo = 0.5 PPdo. Bush-Lite and Ronald Dumsfeld regularly reach 800-999 mPPdo, right up there with TV ads for astrologers, weight-loss products and exercise machines; ?Honest, officer, I only had one beer? is also way up on the PuroPedometer scale.

HYPE & INFLATED CLAIMS: Here we have matters or individuals that while not quite untruthful are given to gross exaggerations, often in association with some future action or a promise of future action; the unit of measure is the HOT-AIR-BALLOON (Hab). One (1.0) Hab is enough hot air to fill a standard hot air balloon, whereas one MEGA-Hab (1.0 MHab) is enough hot air to fill one million hot air balloons (1.0 MHab = 1,000,000 Hab). For instance: golf-stories, fishing-tales, claims of huge savings at a sale at the local mall, pledges to get good grades, etc. are usually below 0.35 MHab; while promises made by sales people, explanations for coming home late or not at all, IRS income tax reporting, etc. may be anywhere from 0.60 ?0.85 MHab. Politician?s promises to lower taxes, balance budgets, investigate scandals, and clean-up City Hall may be anywhere from 0.75-0.99 MHab. (More adept Teflon politicians manage to score high simultaneously in both mPPdo and MHab, this is known as the infamous politico's "Double Dupe Dump").

VALUE, WORTH & APPROVAL: This is much like the familiar rating system using number of stars to indicate approval. La Chicanada uses two different but related units of measure: the A-TODA-MADRE (Atm) and the ?HORALE! (?Hrle!). Of these the Atm has greater value than the ?Hrle! in registering approval/worth. For instance if you compadre brings a six-pack (for a change) when he pops in unannounced for dinner (again!) at your house, that might be 1.0 ? 3.0 ?Hrle!; if the same viejo codo takes you to Las Vegas and picks up the tab for everything, that would be at least 1.0 Atm; i.e. an Atm is worth much more than an ?Hrl! Here the equivalency is: 100 ?Hrle! = 1.0 Atm. There is also the AY-CHIHUAHUA (aChi) unit of measure that has fallen into disuse and is becoming obsolete, now being replaced the ?PADRE! (Pdre) and the FIRME (Frm) that are somewhat in vogue today.

DISAPPROVAL, WORTHLESSNESS & DISINTEREST: This is the inverse of the Atm and ?Hrle rating system above. The units of measure are the ME-IMPORTA-MADRE (Mim) and the VALE-V*RGA (Vrga). The correlation factor here is that 1,000 Mim = 1.0 kMim = 1.0 Vrga; i.e. the Vrga (we can skip the symbol for this one!) registers much more disapproval or inutilidad than the Mim. Using the examples above, if the same compadre calls and says he can?t make it for yet another free dinner tonight at your place, that might be 1.0 - 100 Mim; but if he takes you to Las Vegas and then discovers he?d been pick-pocketed and lost all his lana and credit cards leaving you to pay all the bills, that would be at least 1.0 Vrga. Similarly, ex-Gov. Pete Wilson might rate many Vrgas, while current Gov. Schwatzengropper (aka? Son-of-a-Pedro?) might rate only a few hundred Mim or less than 1.0 Vrga (so far, at least); Bush-the-Dumber is rapidly closing in on a record 100 Vrga.

OTHERS: For being stingy or overly cheap and frugal there is the CODO (Cdo); for odors there is the APESTOSO (aPst) and the odiferous FUCHI (Fch); and for stupidity and general lack of mental agility there are: the LELO (Llo), the TORPE (Trpe), and the extreme measure, PENDEJOs (Pdjo). The universal, multi-purpose, all-occasion Raza international unit of measure is the ?CHING..... (?Chng) ? here we surpass the comparitively weak gringo substitutes like "dang", "shucks", "wow", and "gee".

(Copyright: 2004, El Profe Loco)

About El Profe Loco:
El Profe Loco is a Chicano (not Latino!) humorist and writer with ties to southern California and New Mexico. He may be contacted via email at: elprofeloco@cox.net

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