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Cyber-Placazo

A useful chronology of United States Latinos

By Dr. Guillermo Comes-Penis, PPHD
Published on LatinoLA: March 7, 2002


Cyber-Placazo


Have you ever felt ignorant of, or threatened by US Latino culture? Pocha Nostra has put together a comprehensive user-friendly chronology of US Latinos to help you understand who they are, why they are here, and how come they are so pinche dammed complicated. If you find it useful please forward it to your colleagues.

BC

10,500
Humans populate the Americas from Alaska to Patagonia, including East LA and
Tijuana.

1500-1000
Olmec people create the first great Meso American civilization. At the same time, their hairy European contemporaries are still roaming around naked with stone axes.

AD

00
Jesus Christ Superstar is born. Chicano abuelitas revere him ever since.

120
Puerto Rico settled, probably via Florida, by the Igneri people, militant swingers and makers of delicate pottery and cave porn iconography.

500
Mayan civilization at its height in present-day Mexico, Guatemala, and Honduras. They practice astronomy, licantropy and performance art. Actors are killed during the actual performances. Centuries later Mayan performance will inspire the Vienna action group and assorted US cults.

1325
Aztecs found great city of Tesmogtitlan; they trade precious metals, macaw feathers, wrist watches and other goods with tribes to the North. Present-day US Southwest inhabited by the Chichimecas or norte?os who were the pre-Columbian Chicanos.

1300-1350
Vigorous trade links the independent countries within Chumash territory more closely together as a language for commoners and nobles emerges.

1400
Height of Inca civilization in Peru. According to the Aztec census bureau, the indigenous population of the Americas reaches 90 million.

1420-92
Europeans begin voyages of exploration in the Atlantic Ocean. They get systematically lost and misname everything they come across according to what little they know. They mistake dolphins for mermaids, Chihuahua dogs for midget jackals and the inhabitants of the "New World" for cannibals.

1491
Ciboney, Arawak, and Carib peoples inhabit all Caribbean Islands. They are great guaguanco dancers. Same sex couples are allowed.

1492
Columbus visits present-day Haiti, Cuba, and Puerto Rico. He uses trained dogs to pacify "the Indians." The genocide of Indigenous Americans begins. Gringo historians believe that Columbus actually landed in Ohio.

1519
Cortez lands in Veracruz and marches west. In the midst of bloodly battles, four Tlaxcalan emperors are baptized and join in the conquest of the Aztec empire. Cortez conquers Montezuma and Tenochtitlan with the help of other indigenous peoples, disease, horses and guns.

1520
Cortez and la Malinche become "the Mexican couple of the year," and la Malinche "the first bilingual secretary of the Americas."

1522
First Africans brought to Cuba as slaves. Buena Vista Social Club is founded clandestinely

1527
Cabeza de Vaca shipwrecked on Texas coast; begins his lunatic journey across
the Southwest. After 8 years he goes mad and becomes "the first hippie of the
Americas." He tries out several ritual drugs and changes his name to "Cabeza de Pollo".

1533
Pizarro betrays Atahualpa and conquers the Incas.

1535
Viceroyalty of the New Spain establishes Spanish Empire throughout the Americas; system of forced labor for Native Americans codified.

1538
Hernando de Soto explores area between Florida and Louisiana. He kidnaps Indian empress Lady Cofitalchicue (misspelled) along the way, making her his sex slave.

1540
Coronado searches Oklahoma and Kansas for cities of gold described by Cabeza de Vaca; finds only poor villages and lunatic proto-militiamen. His Indian scouts give him bad directions.

1565
The first Spanish city in present day-US, San Augustine founded in Florida, an hour from Daytona Beach, capital of Biker America.

1650
A poor frontier colony, New Mexico becomes a haven for Jews, Arabs, genisaros, gypsies, Gnostics, transvestites, performance artists and other infidels unwelcome in New Spain. New Spaniards refer to this bohemian milieu as "la olla podrida."

1725
Missions are being established way before the first Anglo Texans were even imaginary sperms.

1789
First play in Spanish performed in San Francisco. (We are currenlty looking for funders to re-stage it. Any clues?)

1800
California mission system well on its way to complition. The goal: 21 missions, each a days walk apart. The legend of El Zorro is born.

1821
Mexico wins its independence from Spain - kind of.

1836
Tejanos (Texas Mexicans) lose control of their region to Anglo settlers, in spite of the fact that some of them fought at the Alamo for an independent Texas Republic. Texas becomes an independent republic, and has remained one since.

1846
War with Mexico initiates the first US military campaign throughout the Southwest. The excesses of the gringos are well documented by Chicano historians like Rudy Acu?a. Californios wage a guerrilla war against the gringos; after seven months they sign a treaty allowing the United States to occupy the territory.

1848
Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo cedes half of Mexico's territory to the US; former Mexican citizens in the area suffer from sweeping loss of human rights. They suddenly wake up one day in a new country. They/we haven't been able to sleep properly since.

1849
Anglos pouring into California during the Gold Rush displace Mexican and Indigenous residents (see 1997)

1870
The Texas Rangers raid Mexican villages, lynching Mexicans and putting them in cages. It's like an "extreme sport." The History Channel forgets to document it.

1892
Mart? organizes Cuban independence movement from New York.

1898
Spanish American War turns Cuba and Puerto Rico into US possessions. Guerrilla war lasts four additional years in the Philippines before the US claims victory

1902
Cuba granted independence by the US.

1903
Panama Canal Treaty increases US contacts with Central America. US engineers go crazy with the local "se?oritas".

1910
Turmoil of revolution in Mexico and growth of labor-intensive agriculture in US increase Mexican immigration to Southwest. Pancho Villa and Emiliano Zapata kick some serious ass.

1912
First US Marine incursion in Nicaragua; dozens of others will follow; Cuban mulatto baseball great Adolfo Luque begins 23 year career in US big leagues.

1917
Puerto Rican residents acquire US citizenship and begin first wave of immigration into Nuyo Rico; deportation of Mexican Americans begins with striking massacre of striking copper miners.

1929
League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC) formed in US.

1932
Collapse of sugar boom combined with the population explosion sends massive wave of Puerto Rican immigration to the US; depression-era deportation of Mexicans continues, including US-born Chicanos, and a few Southern Italian immigrants along with them. First pizzerias in Tijuana and Juarez are established.

1935
New Mexico elects Dennis Chavez the first Latino in the US senate. Orale!

1940
Machito forms the Afro-Cubans in New York. Young ultra-lounge Latino hipster Juan Garcia Esquivel arrives in Las Vegas; his orchestra will influence all of US popular music.

1941
WW2 brings thousands of naive Mexicans into US armed forces with the promise
of citizenship.

1943
"Zoot Suit riots" begun by US military personnel in Los Angeles; the Navy on leave from Europe comes back ready to kick some "meskin" ass.

1948
American GI Forum founded to protect rights of Mexican American veterans.

1954
Operation Wetback begins "forced removal of 1 million brown people from US to Mexico" (including US Latino citizens), even as "bracero" program continues.

1955
Cuban revolution begins. "El Mexterminator" born in Mexico City; his jaina Carolina "La Leona" born in Bogota, on the same week.

1958
Mambo king Perez Prado reigns in Mexico City. Gabachos will discover him 48 years later as part of a retro-lounge trend.

1959
Castro takes power in Cuba; first wave of what is known as "the great gusano evasion" to the US begins.

1961
Pressured by the US, Castro embraces Russian communism; US military and
Miami Cuban exiles join up to stage Bay of Pigs invasion. Les sale mal.

1962
Number of Cuban refugees to US reaches 1/4 million.

1965
The Immigration Act of 65 grants equal immigration status to Latinos, Asians
and Europeans; the third-world-ization of the US begins. Cesar Chavez founds
UFW in California and begins grape boycott

1967
Puerto Rico votes to maintain Commonwealth relationship with US, rejecting
independence; Don Juan is getting young Casta?eda high every day.

1968
MALDEF and "La Raza" party founded as Chicano movement formally begins. Cheech and Chong become known for their "mota" humor. The Mexican army massacres students at La Plaza de las Tres Culturas in Mexico City

1971
Family Unification Program brings 330,000 more Cubans to US. Santana rocks
the US; while Javier Batiz and Los Dug Dugs rock Mexico. Oscar "Brown Buffalo" Zeta Acosta dissapears mysteriously.

1972
Chicano mural art movement in full swing. Rock & Roll goes "mainstream."

1973
Roberto Clemente elected to Baseball Hall of Fame. ?Y qu?!?

1975
Cesar Chavez and UFW achieve passage of California Agricultural Labor Relation Act; first "Nuyorican Poets" anthology published in New York.

1976
Economic crisis in Mexico causes new wave of immigration to US.

1979
Political turmoil in Nicaragua, Honduras, Guatemala, and El Salvador increases US population from those countries. Chicano barrios are flooded with Central American refugees, redefining Chicanismo for good.

1980
Castro scores big time, allowing 120,000 "marielitos" to flee to US. Amongst them are ex-prisoners, locos, chavos y chavas del tal?n, and dissidents. Little Havana loses its provincial tranquility.

1985
Earthquake in Mexico City. 200,000 dead. Immigration to US increases; rock en
espa?ol movement begins.

1987
Frida Kahlo canonized by Galeria de La Raza, San Francisco. 2000 Gringa cult followers gather in Dolores Park to pay homage to the ethno-feminist saint.
Social wrestler Superbarrio fights for expanded housing programs in DF.

1989
Manuel Lujan named Secretary of the Interior. Eddie Olmos finally makes it in Hollywood; the Berlin Wall collapses; the US/Mexico metallic border wall project begins.

1993
Horny Tejano Henry Cisneros named Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

1994
Nafta comes into effect. The Zapatista uprising erupts in Chiapas.

1996
New (anti) Immigration Act criminalizes Latinos and multiplies obstacles for Latin Americans to migrate to the US.

1997
Selena murdered at the hands of deranged fan club president, becoming an "instant saint." Anglos pouring in during the 2nd California Gold Rush displace Mexican and Indigenous residents (see 1849). President Clinton looks to the right

1998
Hurricane Mitch destroys Honduras and Nicaragua; immigration to US increases;
Taco Bell Chihuahua becomes "the most popular Mexican in US history;" Clinton
busted lying to the Grand Jury about a coitus interruptus with ugly intern named Monica Le(n)winski - a daughter of Salvadoran immigrant father and Gringa mother. American dignity hits rock bottom. All Latinos applaud.

1999
Prototype cyborg Ricky Martin becomes Numero Uno Latino entertainer in the US
pop music industry. Intelligent Latinos smell conspiracy.

2000
The PRI, Mexico's ruling party, finally collapses; replaced by coalition government sponsored by Fox Entertainment Inc. After wining infamous Florida Demolition Derby, George W. Bush becomes president of the US, despite his minute IQ and bad Spanglish.

2001
The much touted "New Economy" collapses, as? nom?s. A fringe fundamentalist
Muslim "cell" stages unthinkable attack on the World Trade Center and the
Pentagon. Bush declares war on Afghanistan. Hundreds of Arab-looking Latinos
are rounded up in US airports.

2015
Latinos make up 25% of US population. "Gran Vato" becomes 1st Chicano
president of US. Spanglish becomes Official Language.

2030
Latino population of the US reaches 120 million, o sea 1/4 of the US and 1/5
of Latin America. Anglos become nomadic minorities and are forced to learn Spanish to obtain menial jobs in the food, construction, and porn industries.

---To Be Continued --



About Dr. Guillermo Comes-Penis, PPHD:
Originally published as e.mail. Nota: Investigacion de Guillermo G?mez-Pe?a AKA Dr. Guillermo Comes-Penis, PPHD con la ayuda de Beth Hass, Carolina Ponce de Le?n, Elaine Katzenberger, and Roberto Sifuentes.




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