Cheap cable, safe work places, insults that go unapologized for...
Not that I?m all into this or even believe in it but, ?What is up with my astrology this week?? This whole week, my charms have both run off and run rampant, depending on?.the day, the hour, the minute!
Published on LatinoLA: February 15, 2005
Whereas I got $60.00 worth of cable channels for $18.99, a rate Mr. Patrick says he doesn?t even give to his own mother, I couldn?t even get a call back from Mr. Loyal. My boss, actually my boss?s boss whom I?m frightened of, gave me and my daughters tickets to a private screening of a kid?s movie on the Warner Brother?s lot ? hoo hoo! Too soon to call myself his favorite, maybe it?s just because I?m the only mother on the block. I insulted one of my best male friends over speaker phone, not knowing his partner was right next to him. (Okay I did, but that?s not the point). Haven?t heard from him since either. But, the parking guy gave ME the handicapped parking spot on account of the rain ? that?s a big one!
I?m not about to start my period but still I?m waiting for someone to cross me just so I can let my next lash out! I tell Victoria that I?m either charming or brawling with everyone around me and enjoying the brawl more than the charm! Victoria writes, ?Do you have some Libra in your sign?? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
I know it sounds like a defensive statement, but I?m NOT defensive, I just can?t keep from saying the word ?fuck? before, after or in-between everything that comes out of my mouth this week. This morning alone, I must?ve said it at least 20 times. And even the regret I felt over (jokingly) calling my friend a ?cocky ass mother fucker? over speaker phone hasn?t served as much of a deterrent either. Maybe it?s just ?cause no one else is here today. I?m one of the lucky few stuck here at work the week between Christmas and New Year?s. So far, I haven?t gotten anything done, except check my e-mail for something from my X. And I?m sorry I did. My X, Mr. X , a man whom I have still been in constant contact with (if you know what I mean) is on his third week of traveling.
Before he left we made love on my bed with the hand-me-down crushed red velvet comforter. I gave him gifts, gifts he?s using on his trip where maybe he?s met someone which is why he writes to me ?warm regards? on his last e-mail. I?ve kissed two other boys since I?ve met him. He had broken up with me and taking the advice of my friends, I tried to have a ?good time?, enjoy the single life. Actually, when I kissed the others, I thought of him. Thought, wouldn?t it be nice if HE was kissing me instead ? writing in my head, Geeze I really don?t like the way so-and-so kisses, it?s just not right. I want my boy with the perfect lips to come home. To lie in my bed with his eyes closed, lips red sweet soft and almost puckered. I love to look at him, I love to even watch him sleep.
Week One of Mr. X?s trip, I got a call every other day ? sometimes every day. Week Two, e-mails streamed in thrice. Week Three ? nothing until this morning. There were two messages from him, both in response to things I had forwarded to him AND here?s the kicker, one of them was signed ?Warm Regards.? Warm Regards?! Yes, it said ?Warm Regards?! It?s already been three months and I wonder how much longer until the day that I won?t wake up missing the mornings I?d woke up with him; our bodies intertwined like the hairs on my brush. I?d have an involuntary smile on my face because I remember how in the middle of the night while in spoon position, he strokes my hair and drops soft kisses on top my head trying not to wake me up. How much longer until I won?t think of him everyday, wonder if he?s thinking of me, too. How much longer until I don?t care anymore about how he signs his e-mails!
And there?s pinche Victoria - sending me some information on the Libra sign. After our last conversation she must have cut and pasted from one of her tacky astrology websites. Whatever girl, if it makes you feel New Age Smart.
Oh, she sent an article, too.
In the article, which I dive into before the astrology (of course!), I read that there were 400 murders in Guatemala this year alone ? all of the women thin. Women in Juarez, Mexico are being murdered daily ? femicides they call them. How can men do that? For all of these women ? there were ?loved ones.? Some were just girls and loved his picture in a magazine, some were mothers who worked for their families. All were daughters, all were loved.
And I care that he wrote, ?Warm Regards? on his latest e-mail?
In Guatemala, I wonder who just one of the 400 were. I wonder if she shaved her legs, put powder on her eyes and looked forward to seeing someone. I wonder if someone cried over her, imagined her next to them, liked to just watch her lips almost pucker when she slept. What color is her skin, what blemishes does she have and wish she hadn?t? Does she have large pores like me? Was her mom religious like mine, and her dad a jerk? Where was she going and how did she feel on the morning of? Is fear in the air daily and so this morning was like no other ? walking outside is just a risk you chance not knowing what the outcome will be -- like rolling a dice? Or did she know? Did she feel it in the air she breathed, the way it sucked from her instead of her sucking from it? Or did she inhale life 2002% as if it were her last?
But, as I write at this computer, comfortable from my workplace almost alone on the week between Christmas and New Year?s my heart drops when I realize I?m wondering about the first moments of her day?.I don?t, I can?t , I don?t even want to --- imagine the last. I don?t know what was there but I know what wasn?t.
Mujer de Juarez, mujer de Guatemala, mujer pobre, mujer noble, mujer fuerte ? and what if you weren?t? What if they were more like me? Not strong but weak. Too weak to go after their goals. Not strong enough to let him go. Not noble, but a hoochie. Hoochie enough give my lips to one just to try to forget another. No, not noble but far from it.
Even so,weak and wafering and unnoble as my life is - my life is mine for the taking not anyone else?s. Mujer fuerte o debil como yo, I don?t know why your life has ended and I don?t know why mine continues. But, if the star charts that Victoria reads from predict a drastic and early end to mine, chances are it won?t be just because I was walking down the street ? female. I know I?m not a murder target because the world between the legs that move me is the womb that brings life, sacred life?Divine life.
I wouldn?t be one of a hundred dead and divine or one of four hundred sacred souls stripped from their children and their families that died that way, that year?that way. And I don?t know what stars, charts or powers put me here and what brought you there. I don?t know what to do for you other than to stop, stop, stop feeling for me the things that are so inconsequential in my life, like cheap cable, safe work places even on the week between New Year?s and Christmas, insults that go unapologized for, and ?Warm Regards? send by e-mail from an X.
And even that, mujer, who holds life, mujer whose last thought left her as she was tortured and even that or this that I write, my sister, hermana mia is not enough.
You may reach Chela at email@example.com