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The One That Never Was

Am I just a nothing in his past?

By Anonymous
Published on LatinoLA: October 5, 2005


The One That Never Was


Is it wrong to think about someone long after you are apart from them? Long after you have supposedly moved on and are involved in another relationship?

He never treated me the way I should be treated, not that he was abusive or unkind but it was always known that I was not a serious relationship to him. Although, on and off we shared about 3 years of our lives. I liked him for who he was, for who I wanted him to be. He wasn?t strikingly handsome, yet he had a certain charm. He was sometimes a bit rude and crude yet I liked that he was real. We had similar backgrounds, families, that gave us an instant connection.

It was more the fact that I was never really accepted as a part of his life that I kept trying harder. I kept trying to be better, more beautiful, smarter all to impress him. Yet he seemed unphased never revealing that he cared as much for me as I did for him. I gave absolutely everything, way too much for what I got in return. There was little or no consideration for me in this so called relationship, yet I still long for him at times or what could have been with him. Why??? Why do I torture myself like this. I don?t know the answer to these questions. He wasn?t a great lover yet I still miss the feeling of being close, in bed with him. My time with him was when I first opened up to new things, lovemaking was more exciting, more crazy, yet he was miserable in bed. The foreplay and excitement was great but the actual act lasted no more than a few minutes (no exaggeration). So why do I still think about him so much.

I still think it?s the fact that he never fully accepted me or gave me my place that makes me think of him so much. You always want what you can?t have or the one that doesn?t want you. I just wish that I knew that he did care for me as much as I cared for him. I wish I could hear him say, you were the best thing that I?ve ever had and I blew it , I?m an idiot, I can?t turn back time but I want you to know that I loved you and I miss you and I think of you often. That?s all I want to hear and then never hear from him again. Close that chapter.

But how can he not think of me, when he goes to the places that we went to, when that certain song that he knows I liked comes on, when he sees someone that reminds him of me?. How can he not think of me ? does he have nice memories? How can he not, I gave so much and never complained, never argued?.does he regret losing me? Or am I just a nothing in his past, something insignificant that he may or may not remember ever?






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