A Soliloquy of Regret

inside of me

By Fanny J. Garcia
Published on LatinoLA: January 27, 2006

A Soliloquy of Regret

This is
Not a poem
More like a soliloquy
Of my regret
I?ve had it inside of me
For what seem like endless nights and days
But ever since I read your letter
And felt your love on the wrinkled page
And in the words you wrote
Asking me to remember you
Something in me awoke
But I must admit, it has been hard to write
Because the tears come bursting forth
Y se me traban en la garganta
Y de ahi no salen
Pero ya es tiempo y te quiero pedir
Que me perdones mis berrinches
De ni?a malcriada y
Por las tantas veces que te grite
Por las veces que no te dije Mam?
Y te desprecie
Because the anger in me was too much
I want to say that it?s no longer
There, this hate I had
It?s been replaced by an understanding
Of the many things you went through
And I don?t know why
And don?t ask me to explain porqu?
I decided to forget all the good memories
And keep only the bad por tantos a?os
Maybe because it was safer
Because I needed someone to blame
For as long as I can remember
I have lived with this veneno
Rushing through my veins
Steadily destroying me
haunting me
polluting me
always lingering
Y decid? que ya es tiempo de decirte
Que hace unas cuantas noches
When walking and counting stars
I remembered a conversation we once had
About children, I think it was
And you asked about the ones that I may someday have
Or perhaps not all I made sure to say
And I remembered you saying that before I was born
A little girl was all you had wished for
And I realized that your love
May not have looked like what I wanted for a time
But love it still was
Your love
Siempre y
For me

About Fanny J. Garcia:
Fanny J. Garcia is a writer, activist and actor living in Los Angeles. She can be reached at fgarcia@eastlarep.com

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