Former Beatle George Harrison is no doubt still thanking his ZZ Top look-a-like guru. But he should be forever grateful toward his lovely Mexican-born wife, Olivia Arias Harrison, for saving his life several months ago.
The knife-wielding almost-assassin, Michael Abram, entered the plea of insanity for almost killing Harrison, who mentioned in the trial of his assailant that he could hear himself breathing through his stab wound, as the incision was an inch from his heart. Abrams was acquitted and sent to a Psychiatric hospital.
Court documents indicate that Abram broke into the Harrison estate, a Gothic 100-room former nunnery, and tried to cut the the former member of the Fab Four every which way but loose. The palace is surrounded by 10 foot high walls, barbed wire, lights, a video warning system, dogs, and security guards, yet the attacker got in anyway. He was probably trained by pole vaulting Jehovah's Witnesses.
Abram, who alleges he was possessed, was no match for Harrison's Mexican wife, who probably thought the intruder was El Cucui itself.
Investigators say that the borlote went from room to room, in the finest Latino holiday tradition, culminating in Olivia smashing the attacker over the head with a lamp, which was probably given to her by her mother-in-law. She ended the struggle right before the brawl made it into the living room, keeping the pleito from messing up the plastic on the couches while averting any damage to the velvet paintings.
She held the pendejo at bay until police arrived, no doubt saving him from further harm.
Abram as well as Beatle hubby George were taken to the hospital; Olivia was treated and quickly released quickly, no doubt to go after the intruder's familia. Hubby Harrison was hospitalized for a couple of days with a collapsed lung. The attacker probably had to undergo emergency surgery to remove a chancleta or two from his Carnaby Street culo.
With all this free publicity coming in -- just as the Beatles are about to release their 1,758th CD since they broke up almost thirty years ago -- we find out that the Harrison's are a fairly typical Latino family.
George married Olivia in 1978 and a month later their son Dhani,was born.. Dhani, whose name translates to "he'll never have to work a day in his life," is now a 21-year-old college student. He was "asleep" in the house at the time of the altercation, because when Mom and Dad are "talking," it's none of his "business."
This whole unfortunate incident does bring to light the benefit of have a Latina for a wife. Suffice to say Yoko Ono would have probably offered the intruder some green tea. Realistically, any incident involving Ms. Ono lurking in the dark would raise some serious questions about who the real Cucui is.
I, too, have the military benefit of being married to a Latina; comforted in knowing that she is the only one allowed to attack me at night. As Latinos, we should be proud of Ms. Olivia. She represents the truest form of marital loyalty, courage and honor.
She is not the first Latina to defend her gringo husband, and more than likely won't be the last. That's how we end up with kids named Tiffany Gonzales, and Cuahtemoc Shaeffer.
Al Carlos Hernandez:
Al Carlos Hernandez is a screenwriter. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org