Understanding Guys

Activist, criminal, recovery, Hispanic... which guy should you choose?

By Gil Contreras
Published on LatinoLA: August 26, 2002

Understanding Guys

My family recently went through a very traumatic episode, as my 30-year-old sister broke up with her crack head boyfriend. It was traumatic, in that, in addition to his being a crack head, he was also almost the father of my sister?s miscarried baby.

Although my sister survived the ordeal, it made me wonder about what kind of ?Guys? are actually out there for Latinas, or any woman, to choose from. So, I conducted my own unscientific study of Guys who are out there, and coupled with my years of experience as a counselor, cop, freelance investigative journalist and private investigator, came up with some interesting Guy profiles.

In the interest of public service, I?ve taken upon myself to provide females with a list that profiles Guys. So, before you start a relationship with Hispanic Guy, Welfare Guy or Activist Guy, you should understand that each Guy has his own set of characteristics and proclivities, and will vary in their ability to love, commit and connect emotionally. If you?re a woman who is dating, looking for her soul mate or in the midst of mid-life crisis, print this list and carry it with you where ever you go, as you may encounter any one of these Guy characters at anytime!

Criminal Guy

Criminal Guy will have begun having scrapes with law enforcement and school authority figures somewhere around the 7th grade. Criminal Guy usually grew up watching his mom get her ass kicked by her multiple boyfriends and husbands. In fact, Criminal Guy may have become a ?real criminal? when he killed his mother?s boyfriend who used to beat her! Criminal Guy has a chip on shoulder.

Criminal Guy will not have finished high school or maybe even middle school. Criminal Guy will probably not now, or ever, have met his biological father. And even though he?ll say he does want to meet "papi" the fact that he hasn?t will hurt his soul and fuel his antisocial behavior and anger. Criminal Guy will have a facial scowl like Ice Cube.

Criminal Guy will be extremely difficult to have a ?relationship? with, and will probably have other sex partners during any ?relationship.? The risk of incarceration won?t deter Criminal Guy from knocking some sense into his girlfriend if she starts ?acting a fool.? Criminal Guy will fight with you, the cops, or any -goddamn-body else that he has to. Criminal Guy would rather steal a car than lease one, pay for sex than have a ?relationship, and join a gang than join the military.

Welfare Guy

Welfare Guy will have a similar background and personal history to Criminal Guy. The difference will be, however, instead of adopting the ?violence? defense mechanism early in life like Criminal Guy, Welfare Guy will have found that it is more effective to be ?passive? but still place blame for his position in life on someone else. His mother, his absent father, ?the system?, anybody. Welfare Guy will also feel that he is entitled to ?assistance? for all his misfortune at the hands of others, especially the government, referred to in the ghetto as ?the system? or ?they.?

Welfare Guy won?t have a job, won?t want one, and won?t keep one, if he finds he has to get one to qualify for a ?government? program. Welfare Guy could find and hold a job, actually, if his behavior and personality weren?t so affected by his drug and alcohol use. Welfare Guy may have multiple children with multiple women and not support any of them.

Welfare Guy will apply for G.R. and food stamps but won't apply for a job. Welfare Guy has no problem using food stamps to buy liquor or cigarettes, or sell the ?bitches? if he needs some cheddar (money). Welfare Guy, like Criminal Guy, is convinced he wouldn?t be where he is in life if he could just ?catch a friggin' break.? Welfare Guy will love to watch cable television, but it will be on a black box he bought from ?some dude? so he "don?t have to pay the cable bill.?

Activist Guy

Activist Guys, both young and old, will talk incessantly about the re-distribution of wealth in America and the greedy, profit driven multi-national corporations who are oppressing poor people and people of color worldwide. Activist Guy will tell anyone who will listen about the government conspiracy to keep the rich rich, and the poor poor. Activist Guy, however, won?t know who ?they? are, and won?t be able to tell you where ?they? meet to think their conspiracy through and implement it flawlessly across the country.

As a child, Activist Guy may actually have participated in marches and demonstrations in front of the federal building with his ?activist? parents, and may have even got a new TV during the Rodney King Trial ?uprising? in Los Angeles in 1992.

Activist Guy may or may not go to college, but will definitely feel the need to ?make a difference? in his world. Activist Guy will fear the effects of global warming, El Ni?o, and Indian Casinos. Activist Guy will feel justified in talking disparagingly about big tobacco, the Israelis, capitalism and President George W. Bush, whom he will refer to as the ?president-select.?

Activist Guy will not believe in ?mainstream? religion, but may practice some ?spiritual? discipline which he believes is guiding his ?journey? through this lifetime (he believes there may be others coming). Activist Guy may embrace Native American philosophy, New Age, or Zen Buddhism. Activist Guy may wear headbands, medicine bags, crystals, or dream catchers around his neck.

Activist Guy will organize marches, protests, and demonstrations wherever they may be required to raise the level of awareness of a media mislead, brain dead and uncaring society. Activist Guy will believe in unions, a higher minimum wage, and will claim that, after all the advances of his parent?s generation, the ?playing field,? is still not level. Activist Guy will definitely be against random drug testing by employers, however, because he knows that when he?s not ?saving the world,? he?s smoking pot.

Old Activist Guy, on the other hand, will hold beliefs similar to Activist Guy, except that Old Activist Guy knows things are the same as they were when he was Young Activist Guy. Old Activist Guy will have found that things aren?t really as bad as they used to be, but because most of his colleagues and friends don?t believe that, he feels he has to go along with the game or risk being called a sell-out.

Old Activist Guy will take a position in a non-profit or other community agency, and will be happy to live out his days counseling young activists, doing public speaking on social issues that may have already changed, and participating in non-violent acts of civil disobedience, which, if he?s not married, allows him to ?get? Young Activist Chicks. Old Activist Guy will, especially as he ages, re-evaluate his beliefs, however, and may even decide to ?chuck it all,? and get a real job.

Christian Guy

Christian Guy is likely to be a middle class Working Guy who obsesses on Jesus Christ. He may be what he refers to as a recovering Catholic, an enlightened Jew, or a once lost Muslim. Christian Guy will generally have a job or career of some sort, but will believe that all his success or failure in life is not due to his own decision-making and actions, but will have been intervened into by God Himself for the desired outcome, or sabotaged by the Evil One!

If Christian Guy is not married he?ll want to be, preferably with one of the young Hotties who lead youth group. If Christian Guy is married, he?ll secretly wish he wasn?t, for the same reason?youth group Hotties! Christian Guy will wrap his ?maleness? in ?Jesusness? and believe he is a bad person in need of prayer or even deliverance from the forces of evil for wanting to have sex with Hotties from his church.

Christian Guy will feel bad about his sexual desires because his religion tells him sex is bad unless he?s married. And, worse then that, his religion also tells him that if he has sex outside of marriage and doesn?t repent, or say ?I?m bad,? he?ll burn in hell for eternity! Who the hell wants that?

Christian Guy may allow himself to ?backslide? from time to time, however, which should give him a chance to have sex. For, as he?s been taught, he?s not perfect, just forgiven. What a great out for a Guy! Jesus must really love him after all, for creating a technicality in the bible so even Christian Guy could get laid!

In fact, he?s taught that Jesus knows his every thought, so, Christian Guy usually feels bad about himself most of the time, wishing he could be a better Christian. Christian Guy may even ignore or abuse his wife and kids, should they interfere with his relationship with Jesus, or his never ending pursuit of being ?Jesus-like.?

Recovery Guy

Recovery Guy can be just as annoying as Christian Guy or Activist Guy, with all his thoughts statements and personal convictions about life wrapped in dogma. With Recovery Guy, the dogma will be the 12 Steps, which were created some years ago by Dr. Bill W.

Like his Christian Guy counterpart, Recovery Guy may have found the ?program? in jail or state prison. Recovery Guy will have a background similar to Criminal Guy or Welfare Guy, but may also hail from the Nice Guy or Rich Guy categories. Recovery Guy will definitely work in the social service arena and may even be a ?gang counselor.? Recovery Guy will go to meetings to maintain his sobriety, which is cool, but may also demand that his non-program friends also attend or he will terminate the friendship.

Like Christian Guy, subtle anger will fuel a sarcastic judgmental personality that may seem calm and passive initially, until some crisis arises. Recovery Guy doesn?t handle crises well because he is used to using drugs or alcohol to resolve issues rather than face them head-on and deal with them. If he has enough recovery, he may opt to be in a relationship, because even Guys in recovery need sex!

And, unlike his Christian Guy counterpart, Recovery Guy?s Big Book doesn?t say he?ll burn in hell if he has sex outside of marriage. Because Recovery Guy hails from the lower socioeconomic category, generally, his sexual preferences will be more primal than Christian Guy. In fact, one of the things he likes about going to 12 Step meetings is all the messed up Chicks who can be 13th stepped into sex. He knows that?s not really cool, but hey, he?s an addict, what do you expect!

Hispanic Guy

Hispanic Guy thinks his ?caca? doesn?t stink. He lives amongst Anglo people, speaks well and is usually educated. Hispanic Guy becomes a city councilman, school board member, state senator or U.S. Congressman. Hispanic Guy is married with kids, appears happy in public, but will have sex with his Buck Boo Boo Nutty secretary if he can get away with it. Hispanic Guy thinks of himself as a ?chingon,? (bad ass) but knows that he really isn?t, and fears getting his ass kicked by his secretary?s Chicano Guy boyfriend who is.

Hispanic Guy knows of the ?struggle? of Latino people in America, and even may have participated in the ?Movimiento,? the Chicano movement of the 60?s. He may know, however, that his own political and financial success have had little to do with ?the movement,? 500 years of oppression or Cesar Chavez. He has also learned that unions, dare he say, are more of a detriment to Hispanic success than racism.

In fact, Hispanic Guy, who may talk about ?racism and racial profiling,? to further a political campaign or raise funds for a cause, has never encountered it himself to the degree that he could not get where he wanted to go. He doesn?t spend much time thinking about that though, because he believes he was just ?lucky,? and not all Hispanics are as lucky as he was. However, Hispanic Guy knows deep down inside, that if he ever went against the politically correct grain that got him to where he is, he?d be back in Pacoima or Pico Union, working for a non-profit. Hispanic Guy shudders at the thought.

Hispanic Guy, like Latino Guy below, lives in the San Gabriel Valley by choice, probably in Mexican Hollywood, Hacienda Heights. When around other Hispanics, Hispanic Guy regularly interjects Spanish words into the conversation so that there can never be any question about his fondness for things ?Hispanic.?

Hispanic Guy is likely to be found in the Rich Guy category, but may also be found in the upper echelons of the Working Guy category. Hispanic Guy will not likely be found in the Welfare Guy or Criminal Guy category unless the crime is ?white-collar.?

Hispanic Guy will like sex but may not be skillful enough to make his sexual partner achieve orgasm. However, because of his ?chingon? attitude towards sex and women, he won?t really care.

Latino Guy

Latino Guy is a more evolved Hispanic Guy. Latino Guy knows that, yes, his ?caca? does stink, and he refuses use the term ?Hispanic.? Latino Guy claims ?Hispanic? was a word Richard Nixon created to pigeonhole all Spanish surnamed people as one race. Latino Guy claims the breakdown of the word is, ?His-panic,? hence, Nixon?s fear of the growing Latino population in America and the implications of their political clout on Anglo politics.

Latino Guy, like Chicano Guy, Xicano Guy and Activist Guy, may reference and frame thoughts and statements by referring to ?500 years of oppression.? Latino Guy will most likely claim to be of the Catholic Religion, but may have an affinity for his indigenous roots, which may or may not become part of his everyday life. Latino Guy will have realized that talk of armed uprising to re-claim the occupied northern territories of Mexico, mainly the American Southwest, are foolish.

Latino Guy is more likely to speak ?Spanglish,? than Spanish, but will also intersperse Spanish words into English conversations, especially with other Latinos, again, not wanting to be perceived as trying to ?sound White.? And although Latino Guy may have been raised ?Catholic,? he may switch to ?Christianity? after admitting he was an alter boy and call himself a ?recovering Catholic.?

Latino Guy is likely to be pretty mainstream in his sexual preferences, as he is likely to fall into the Sensitive Guy or Nice Guy Category. Latino Guy will probably make your toes curl before Hispanic Guy.

Chicano Guy

Chicano Guy is less educated than Latino Guy (unless he goes to college and becomes Activist Guy), and sees the term ?Latino? as being as much of a sell-out as ?Hispanic.? Chicano Guy is born and raised in East L.A., West Texas or Tucson. Chicano Guy works at Wal-Mart, K-mart, Target and J.C. Penney?s. Chicano Guy also speaks ?Spanglish? and don?t care to learn proper Spanish or English.

Chicano Guy drinks beer on the weekend, weekday, after work, or whatevers, homes! Chicano Guy loves a barbeque, but it has to be carne asada, tortillas de maize, and of course, homemade salsa. Oldies will be blaring from a radio or boom box, and will be so loud the music will sound distorted but no one will notice or comment.

Chicano Guy likes to watch television, but will call it, ?looking at TV.? Chicano Guy, especially younger ones, will be bald-headed and wear baggie clothes. They?ll say they ?ain't from nowhere,? not gang members, but will sure look, act and talk like one.

Chicano Guy will drive an old Chevy or Olds Cutlass. Depending on financial status, the ?ranfla,? (the car), may be tricked out for car shows, or just another Eastside ?hooptie? with no insurance. Chicano Guy, with the right influences will go to college, but is likely to hook up with groups like MECHA, and become Activist Guy or a social worker for the County.

Xicano Guy

For Xicano Guy, every thought, belief and waking moment is spent framing life experiences within the ?500 years? philosophy. Xicano Guy will know his original language is Nauatl and not Spanish. Xicano Guy will talk to anyone who will listen about the blue-eyed Spanish devil that came from Spain 500 years ago and raped his women, people and ?cultura,? culture. Xicano Guy will proudly proclaim his indigenous roots and denounce anything Hispanic, Latino or Mexican-American. Xicano Guy is Activist Guy with an accent!

Xicano Guy will study Chicano Studies at a state university, but feels it doesn?t go far enough in teaching self-sufficiency to all Xicanos, because it doesn?t advocate the overthrow of the U.S. government, and the reclaiming of the American Southwest. Xicano Guy believes this is the only way Xicanos will ever have ?a level playing field? on which to live, work, and prosper.

Sex may be better with Xicano Guy than Chicano Guy, Latino Guy or Hispanic Guy because Xicano Guy sees himself as a warrior. Therefore, he will be more primal and won?t have the ?Catholic or Christian head trips? messing up his sexual action.

Mexican-American Guy

Mexican-American Guy may have a Spanish accent, although he doesn?t speak Spanish and has never been to Mexico, except for that time he went with his mom to Tijuana to buy medication at a discount, or to see his ?tia? in Ensenada.

Mexican-American Guy is similar to Chicano Guy, except he may work for the city, county or state in some low level or administrative position. Mexican-American Guy is like Working Guy who speaks ?Spanglish,? and works for the probation department, department of water and power, or the department of children and family services. Mexican-American Guy may also join the fire department, police force, or make a career in the military, however, choosing to stay in the lower ranks.

Mexican-American Guy will live in Montebello, Alhambra, or somewhere in the San Gabriel Valley. His life will be fairly traditional, as will his views on women, relationships and sex. He won't be much a of a talker, but may be a pretty good lover. Mexican-American Guy likes oral sex and is willing to reciprocate! Mexican-American Guy can be seductive, and, therefore, may also ?stray? from time to time, but not because he?s a ?hater.?

Mexican-American Guy can make a great life partner if you can accept a Guy who isn?t too touchy-feely, unless he?s a therapist or social worker, and is driven by his work which gives him a sense of accomplishment, and, who may ?accidentally? have an affair, but will stay in the marriage.

Excerpted from Gil?s soon to be released book The Manual: A Chicks Guide to Understanding Mansworld!

All Rights Reserved ? 2002

About Gil Contreras:
Gil Contreras is a freelance writer in Los Angeles. Gil is a former cop, counselor and award winning radio talk show host, whose first book, "The Manual: A Chicks Guide to Understanding Mansworld!" is soon to be released. email: Xcop1035@aol.com

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