Palin Power

Guapa, pero media tonta

By El Profe Loco
Published on LatinoLA: November 26, 2008

Palin Power

Palin Power Inc. (PP Inc.) has announced new products from Sara Palin, the new diva of damn near everything (just ask her). Sara has replaced Martha Stewart as Everywoman's Guru Goddess of the Universe (just ask her). Forget the old conventional wisdom of being just Czaress of the kitchen, home and garden ‘«Ű Sara Baracuda is soon to be the Queen of the World (just ask her). Here are some of the initial offerings from PP Inc. that will change the lives of any woman on the planet and some Republican men too:

1. The Tsara Tsunami Hand Dryer. A new and exciting bathroom hand dryer for the home - a high tech mini-version of those commercial air hand dryers we've all seen in public restrooms in businesses and public buildings. The Tsara Tsunami is voice activated! Just say "Sara what do you think about ‘«™", and automatically and instantaneously ‘«Ű before you can even finish your voiced sentence - a torrent of high velocity of hot air comes out and continues uninterrupted for hours unless you say out loud "Sara you should be President (pause)‘«™" to shut off the hot air stream. Forget about laundering antiquated and unsanitary towels and hand cloths, you'll save hundreds of dollars with your Tsara Tsunami. It comes in Maverick Mauve, Presidential Pink, and Reindeer Red (matches Rudolph's nose).

2. The Baked Alaska Convection Oven. Seen on those TV spot interviews where Sara enters her own kitchen for the first time in months, dressed in a cocktail dress and designer high heels, just like the average homemaker. Sara says: "This oven is really hot ! Just like me" (she actually said a few thousand more words than that, but we had to edit it way down and play it back at half speed). Unlike those other ovens that only intermittently re-circulate convection currents, the Baked Alaska oven spews out an unending stream of hot air in a circular pattern.

3. Palin Pink (Hockey) Pucks. Endorsed and approved by the NHL: Palin Pink Pucks for all you mother puckers (aka hockey moms). Each puck is circumscribed with Sara's quiz score on government, economy, and foreign policy - for those folks (mostly those who voted for Sara) who don't know what circumscribed onto a cylinder means: a zero. One side of the Palin Pink Puck bears the image of a pig wearing lipstick; the other side has a photo of Sara herself (each side of the puck is in a contrasting color to assist those that may have difficulty in distinguishing between the two images).

4. The Kodiak Karaoke Machine. Unlike other karaoke machines, the KK machine does not synch written song lyrics on the video screen to the music being played. Instead, there is a head shot video image of Sara from her recent interview on TV with Katie Couric ‘«Ű with the sound turned off. Then the karaoke contestant just lip synchs to Sara's image by voicing random free-form associations (just like Sara herself does). We have been told that the karaoke person performs best after a few hours of heavy drinking.

5. The "Eye Can See Russia" Binoculars. These high power binoculars can zoom in on targets hundreds of miles distant. Sara claims (just ask her) that from her front porch in Wasilla on a clear night she can see Putin's pipi in the Kremlin. The ultra high power setting enables one to see clearly from Juneau, Alaska to the White House in Washington D.C. (Sara herself does this daily).

6. "Dancing With The Diva" instructional DVD. Sara is widely known (just ask her) as the Princess of the Political Polka. In the comfort of your own home, you can get private dance lessons from Sara as she guides you through the intricate step patterns. Some of the dances included are: The Wasilla Waltz, Sara's Salsa (this one is hot! ‘«Ű just ask her), and the Iditarod Dog (rated R). With the optional interactive Xbox or Wii interface, you can learn directly from The Diva of Dance herself. Sara wears her form-fitting, backless, sequin dress (just like the one seen on TV and the Alaska Convection Oven video above) now available in upscale boutiques as "The Republican Party Dress".

7. "The Wisdom of Sara" book. This hardback book set is certain to top the best seller charts. It is soon to be available in the 20-volume (net shipping weight = 43 lbs.) unedited version or the 1-page edited version. The unabridged version was transcribed from a 15 minute TV interview during which Sara expounded about topics such as quantum physics, world peace, and the origin of the universe. The edited version was the result of edits by a team of Alaskan high school students who selected only those passages that were informative or educational for them.

8. The Drill Baby Drill. This handy home tool is styled as a miniature replica of the Smith & Wesson snub nosed revolver with pink pearl pistol grips that Sara herself packs in her purse (just ask her). It can be used for home repairs, hobby crafts or drilling teeth.

The Palin Power Product Protection Policy: "Hi, Sara here, with a shout out to all our patriotic American partners, and Democrats too; I'm calling an audible here and want to assure everyone everywhere that Palin Power is loyal, honest, trustworthy (just ask me) and supports the environment, market driven healthcare for everyone, no new taxes, our men in uniform and veterans, Native Americans and Indians and Eskimos, hunters, football fans, reporters who ask fair questions and aren't jerks, business owners, teachers, firefighters, law enforcement, retirees, families‘«™.and, oh yeah, soccer moms everywhere and the citizens of the great state of Alaska (including all 73 inhabitants of Wasilla) who elected me to fix the Bridge To Nowhere and make sure the North Slope oil companies continue to contribute to the betterment of our state which contributes more than our share to the nation's economy and helps relieve our country's dependence on foreign oil from places like Galveston and Plaquemines Parish‘«™so I just wanna say that I hear your voices and, like always, I'll respond to meet your needs, protect our nation, preserve prosperity, pump up the economy and help guarantee a brighter better tomorrow with a happy rainbow and smiley-face every day. Remember: Go Sailin' with Palin in 2012. God bless America (and me too)."

?ģEl Profe Loco, 2008

About El Profe Loco:
El Profe Loco is a vato jubilado from OTNC, National City, CA
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