Dia de Gracias

??Guajalote o Pavo?

By El Profe Loco
Published on LatinoLA: November 24, 2008

Dia de Gracias

The holiday of Thanksgiving approaches ÔÇô thank you, Lord, for sending gringos to our land and bringing us the gifts of smallpox, syphilis (the gift that keeps on giving), whooping cough, erectile dysfunction (no beaners are gonna cop to that one!), Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), and the heartbreak of psoriasis.

We've all seen pictures of Pilgrims dressed up to look like the Young Rascals or that guy in AC-DC: short pants, long stockings and a silly hat (and you mean the Pilgrims brought those huge stupid looking hats all the way across the Atlantic Ocean on the Mayflower??? They might have been better off bringing survival gear instead of bringing those ridiculous jotito outfits. The only ones who wear white stockings outdoors today are hookers or NBA wannabees).

Now the myth (the myth missed the mystical mark!  say that ten times as fast as you can) is that the Pilgrims invited the poor, ignorant, heathen Indians to partake of the Pilgrim Home Town Buffet. Hah! The Pilgrims were starving since they couldn't figure out how to hunt, fish, grow edible plants, harvest nuts and roots, etc. So those ignorant uncivilized Indians (they got that name from another European pendejo who sailed from Spain, and instead of making a U-turn, thought he had landed in India  never mind that there were no elephants, water buffalos, curry, Nehru jackets, or computer service call centers: "Hello, may ve hellp you, my name is Chip; velcome.") .where was I, oh yeah.those ignorant Indians had harvested, dried and warehoused their summer crops, hunted local game, and had fresh fish almost daily. Meanwhile the Pilgrims had accidentally discovered the local tobacco (good thing they hadn't yet found marijuana, or they would have REALLY been hungry) and were busy hittin' the pipe.

So, the heathen Indians took pity on the poor Pilgrims and brought them food ÔÇô sorta like the Mayflower Meals On Wheels. Since there was no Tupperware in sight and the Baptist-style covered-dish gatherings hadn't become the rage yet, the Indians not only had to bring the food, they had to show those civilized Pilgrims how to prepare it. (I wonder who did the dishes? No I don't, the Pilgrims were too busy praying and toking to bother with menial tasks like gathering, preparing, setting the table and cleaning up afterward. So instead of Lupe the Mex maid/ laundress/live-in cook, the Pilgrims had Pocahontas the hot princess and her brother PocoTonto).

Anyway, the Pilgrims, to save face, realized they needed to contribute something to the buffet or else the Indians would think they were deadbeats and moochers (the Indians already knew this). So, some Pilgrim men gathered their muskets which were ten feet long and took 45 minutes to reload after each shot (it sometimes took the Pilgrims all week to hunt because they were really bad shots and had to reload frequently), and went looking for big game. Not spotting any lions, longhorn cattle, buffalo, or other desirable woodland-delicacies, they decided to look for fowl (the Pilgrims already smelled foul, because they believed the only bath ever needed was a once in a lifetime baptism by immersion).

On the fifth day, after missing many easy shots at geese, ducks, pheasants, and so on, the Pilgrim hunters came to the conclusion that they needed to look for a bird that was in the aviary remedial Special Needs class: enter the turkey (why do ya think that, to this day, we call tontos, lelos and pendejos: turkey). The local turkeys had IQs waaay below the 100 mark (but higher than President G. W. Bush) so there was hope. They crept up on an unsuspecting flock of pavos pendejos, and began to reload their muskets. Well the guaiting guajalotes spotted these bumbling nimrods and the pavos began rolling on the ground with uncontrollable laughter at the sight of these clueless Pilgrims dressed like Little Lord Fauntleroy who were poking their musket barrels and muttering curse words. The Pilgrims, frustrated at not yet having their muskets at the ready, began clubbing the turkeys with their still unloaded muskets while the pavos were still rolling around on the ground doing the horizontal ha-ha hula.

So this is how we came to have turkey/pavo/guajalote every year in November. This has become an even larger holiday once the USA merchant class figured out that by adding one extra day, the day after Thanksgiving, they could stampede the overfed gringos into a mall-madness frenzy and in the post-turkey stupor entice them into spending their entire annual salary on useless toys and clothes nobody would never ever wear in their lifetime.

?® El Profe Loco, 2008

About El Profe Loco:
El Profe Loco is a vato jubilado from OTNC, National City, CA
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