i still might have some hope.. inspired by Frankie Firme :) gracias

By mia soto
Published on LatinoLA: December 12, 2008


Inspiration at it's finest.....
simple yet so complicated with decisions made in life yesterday, today and 20 years ago....
I want to start off by thanking Frankie Firme for reaching out to me and making me feel like it's okay to feel this way and that I have to be stronger than this!
inspired by his latest piece....

In love with the past
confused of what love really is and what it's significance is
To sit at your desk with tons of work that needs your attention yet not
being able to focus.
only to wish that you were home
in bed, crying your heart out and screaming at the top of your lungs
asking yourself Why? Why am I going through this? Do I deserve it?
Screaming so loud yet no one hears you
you feel alone even though your phone is ringing off the hook
like you're the new dope dealer in town with the best stuff around
yet - you don't want to hear anyones advice and the words
"it's going to be alright" because reality is at that particular moment
you don't hear anything but the deep pound of your heart aching
the lump in your throat that hurts because you're about to burst out in tears...
yet nothing anyone says is comforting enough.

See my story is different from other's yet similar in heart ache to many....
I met a boy when I was 19 and man it was cool - we met at a club where all the cool people hung out and his friend asked me to dance. Being stuck up I said thanks but no thanks and walked off the dance floor before stepping off he grabbed my hand and said don't leave meet my friend Anthony... We both looked up, shook hands and smiled. We danced all night and it was cool! We exchanged numbers and what can I say a dance turned into a 6 year relationship. Yup - 6 anos.

All that quickly changed when he cheated on me and I was heart broken.
So listening to my girls I went out with the bola of girls and without looking or trying to meet someone here I go again. Once again on the dance floor. This guy comes up 6'1 - green eyes - pretty smile and to top it off he was the DJ.. I was like damn!
we were introduced and what can I say I married him.

Now here we are 15 years later and who decides to come looking for me?
Pues Anthony... After 12 years of not talking, seeing or hearing from one another we still roam in the same circle of friends but never bumping into each other.

two years ago he calls me and here I am today in my misery of depression, with no self esteem, self worth and feeling like I am alone. Desperate to hear his voice and hoping and praying that he will call me and say he's sorry as he has in the past. He's a drug addict, who is divorced, doesn't see his kids because his ex won't let him, lives w/ his mama and has no job. Yup, by now you're saying, and you're with him - why?????? I don't know if i'm still in love w/ that 19 year old kid from 20 years ago or do I really have no self worth? as some of you might have read sunday i was given a choice. be with me and i will try my hardest to change, with conviction in his voice and because i love him so much i believed in him i believed his words " "leave your old man and be with me for good." I was like Wow! this is it - it was meant to be - my story will end happy and we will be together. i'm thinking who comes looking for someone after 12 years gone by? I'm like heck ya' sign me up and lets get the ball rollin'. we're gonna move in together and we're gonna be happy. Chale' tamale by monday all that was said and gone.

here i am today no husband, nowhere to live, no Anthony cus by monday he said i was on my own and for me to figure it out. Confused, depressed, miserable with no self-worth. how am i supposed to feel? i wanna die at this particular moment. my heart hurts, i'm tired, drained and still i can't get pissed off at that idiot. All i pray is that today he'll call me and yes, i'll go running. Is this love, or perhaps even though i'm not a drug addict maybe he's my addiction. he's the wound that i continue to cut open because i get high off the pain not realizing that it will get infected if i continue. still i sit here and wonder Why? Why after all this time would you want to come back into my life? I thought you really did love me and that my wish would have a happy ending. God take the pain away and let me know that i can over come this pain in my heart that makes me want to die rather than live and try to fix my marriage or find someone that is worthy of all of me........


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