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The Dork of the Dance

Moves so stiff and lame he's banned at clubs

By Al Carlos Hernandez
Published on LatinoLA: March 8, 2003


The Dork of the Dance


I am one of the few full-blooded Latino males who cannot dance and it?s not for lack of trying or the lack of resources to hire professional trainers. My problem isn?t genetic and has nothing to do with race. My parents, especially Mom, were great dancers.

We grew up raised on radio, nurtured in a music filled environment as my Dad was a weekend musician. My sisters dance and I?m not sure how well since I?ve never danced with them and maybe if I did they would have told me in no uncertain terms how much I sucked and could have saved me years of humiliation.

My brothers, one a Harley hiker, the other a successful Porsche-driving attorney, are somehow socially bound not to express themselves in a festive and physical manner in public, so that leaves me to distinguish myself as the Dork of the Dance.

In my early years I was successful in doing the slow strut Vato Loco two-step and it didn?t matter what song was being played. The girls thought I was a brooding troubled romantic. However, when Disco came along, I had no shame in my game and took to virtually running in place while snapping my fingers in the air. I?ve been told I looked like a commercial for the cholo Special Olympics. Then there was the time I was strutting my raggedy stuff down a Soul Train line at a house party in Oakland and almost took a beat down because my moves were so stiff and lame.

Luckily, I faked a platform shoe ankle injury and escaped with my permed Afro intact.

When salsa music hit hard, I was a program director of the largest Spanish radio station in San Francisco and we would co-sponsor the biggest and baddest salsa concerts the West Coast had ever seen. Women would drag me to the dance floor only to try to lose me during the timbale solo because my moves were so spastic and whack. After a lady would dance with me, her girl friends would hit her with purses after they got back to the table.

Believe it or not, I thought I had it going on, thinking that by amending my aerobic disco-jog, kicking my feet off to the side, then flapping my elbows like a Rooster getting ready to jump over a barn, it was salsa. Friends and family through an intervention convinced me to limit my club participation to buying people drinks and court-supervised slow dancing.

Ironically, I met my wife, a great dancer, at a salsa club. It was during a radio station-sponsored Halloween party. I spent the whole night trying to convince this gorgeous conservative Latina business executive that I was not the convict-looking pinto-Vato Loco my costume made me out to be, but my headband kept slipping down and blinding me, to the point where I felt like smashing a pi?ata.

I growled at dudes who asked her to dance, scaring them away, then took courage and asked her to dance myself. The room got quiet as I limited my movements to very subtle rthymic steps while keeping my arms near my waist, avoiding flight. As confidence grew I began walking around in circles, moving my shoulders to the music. The radio staff was no help; Soon everyone in the club knew that I was trying to dance again and all eyes were on me, waiting to bust a gut at my murdering of this traditional art form.

Mi Vida quickly read the situation, discerning the glee that my free loading entourage was getting at my painful attempt to Salsa dance. She took pity on me and led me back to our table, realizing that I endured public scorn by trying to make her happy.

We have been together ever since.

Enamored, I confessed to her that I was not a dancer and although I can play some conga and bass guitar, rhythm somehow has no way of getting to my feet. My body simply doesn?t multi-task when it comes to physically expressing myself to music.

We agreed to do all of the slow dances together and I would commandeer the best and usually most effeminate male staff members to dance with her during the up tempo tunes.

It has been years since we have danced in public. The whole experience falls under the "been there, done that" category. If we went to a club, what passes for dancing nowadays used to be considered a misdemeanor fondling morals charge.

I have learned through trial and error how to accept my social limitations. I am happy to have had such good friends who cared enough to tell me how much I blew at dancing.

My inability to dance never cost me any money, but it did teach me certain humility and probably qualified me to run for public office.


About Al Carlos Hernandez:
Al Carlos is a national columnist and a screenwriter.




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